Finding Bliss

My Supreme Source of Happiness

Last week's ordeal was nightmarish. I lost my cool towards the closest of friends I have. I scared many and let them gasped in unbelievable horror. Some saved themselves by not voicing out, others tried their best to calm me down but to no success. 

I just could not understand, and at this very point, still can't understand how an elderly woman of that age, waiting another year and half to her pension, can react so irrationally and emotionally towards my message sent to her. 

The message was about professional matter, asking the administration to pay attention to the school's dreadful truancy problem. I did highlight that no teacher nor subject should be held responsible for the youngsters' blame game. When they are lazy and very much distracted with the outside school's fancy activities, school is not just a place for them to drag their feet early in the morning nor the place they will stay up late until the afternoon.

So, why did she get so offended with such a message? 

We talked about this matter the next day when I saw her (I sent the message the previous day from home). We discussed. From A to Z, from the reason why I sent that message to her until what should WE do as a team to rectify the problem arose. We finally stopped the discussion. There was a great relief. She claimed everything was "settled" and there should be no problem anymore.

I went out of her room happily that day.

But her next course of action left me in terrible disbelief.

She went bombarded my immediate team leader for what she called as the source of mistrust, for leaking information that should be concealed. I just could not believe when I found that out. She even called me rude for writing her a message with some words highlighted wrongly, out of context. She labelled me unnecessarily and went backstabbing to other people of higher rank at the administration. 

She waged a war.

I am younger than her by 22 years old. She is about to stop working in just less than a couple of years. What perplexed me is how can an old person like that fails to come to her senses in solving problems? Why going around bitching about a young gun whom she knows is very brave to fend for herself? Why didn't she call me up again in a meeting if there is something about me that frustrates her? Call the whole admin board. Call the whole school. Why not have a professional discussion in front of the staff? Let everyone hear my explanation and try putting the judgement in front of others.

I am not scared of her.

Definitely not.

Now that I know she is such a coward makes me even braver.

When I listened to Brother Nouman Ali Khan about the barakah of life, straightaway I remember this incident. There is no bless anymore when people work for the recognition of other people, not for the bless of Allah, the God Almighty. For these people, there is no joy in helping others seeing the true meaning of blissful life if there is no immediate material return. What they aim is pure personal satisfaction being named as a sole achiever in doing anything. They want people to be awed by their actions thus name-mentioned satisfies them.

I shall shut my mouth now. At the moment.

Not because I feel scared to go against her, but because I believe God will definitely grant me with other kindness and happiness in life. 

I am pleased that she contributes very much to her own downfall. She will be punished severely. Definitely. And definitely too, she has lost my support towards her. For me, as long as she does not clear the air, or makes no effort of admitting mistakes, she is as good as gone. I don't need her in order for me to work at my best.

My supreme source of happiness is always there for me. I shall be there for them too. Lingering too long on this matter shall prohibit me from doing so. 

Thus, I shall stop.

All I want to do now is to find bliss.

Come As You Are

She came and hugged me when I was sitting at my table.

"Teacher, Happy Teacher's Day!"

The hug was long and tight. I giggled.

"Ok, ok Aca...thank you very much!" Still, she hugged me tightly and didn't let go.

"Come on girl...thank you very much. Read your book, revise," I continued giggling. It was already awkward. She was still hugging me. Her head was at my shoulder. She then looked at me.

"Ok teacher, I wanna kiss you." She kissed me on both cheeks. I was stunned.

"Kiss me back, teacher" She smiled. I did kiss her back, on her cheeks. Still giggling, I said thank you, half-stunned but feeling fully happy. She went back to her seat.

She was the brave one.

When everyone was answering the Add Maths paper this morning, the class went deadly silent. All eyes were focusing on the questions. The struggle was obvious. And it was the perfect timing to replay the memories from the back of my head. 

This was the song that brought me into this world. It was Nirvana "Come As You Are" that helped me to gain a place in the course. It was an interview for a twinning programme for TESL. 

I was asked the reason why I wanted to be an English teacher. After all, I was a Science student. I told the interviewer that I love English songs. So they asked me to sing a song.  

I sang half of the song. With my ugly voice. The pitching was everywhere. But I sang.

As simple as that. 

I didn't go impressing them by saying teaching could change anyone's life. I didn't bluff them saying that teaching is a noble profession. I didn't know at that time that teaching could inspire anyone.

I wasn't even prepared for the interview in the first place. All I knew that day, my parents were waiting outside of the room, waiting for us to hit the road back to our hometown. And in front of me, four 'big' people, talking in English, asking questions related to my life.

All I did was answering them from the bottom of my heart.

"What if your students asked you about difficult words that they cannot understand? What should you do?"

"I will ask them to check from Mr Dict," they burst out laughing at my answer. 

Seriously at that time, I didn't realize that Dict sounded really like Dick. But, that was exactly what my form 5 English teacher said to refer to our dictionary. Mr Dict.

While some of them were still laughing, I remember one of them, Puan Rozana (God bless you always) said:

"Come as you are, Noorul. Come as you are into this world of teaching"

And I definitely did it!

Love Stories

I revised some language items with my students yesterday.

A single period lesson. The shortest one ever. It was short because we had great fun, cracking jokes and making fun of the newly-found lovebirds in my class.

Other students were rather excited, making naughty sounds when the couple was teased. The kids were so alive. They could even understand the examples illustrated easily when it came to talking about love and some sort of 'forbidden' adult topics.

But, hey, there was no pornographic description whatsoever. No. I didn't go there. Not in a million years with these kids. Not with any kid at all, anyway.

I think these kids are very lucky. A whole lot luckier than me, at least.

Not because they have such a cool English teacher, who at times goes berserk, destructively frenzied and deranged over their stupidity and laziness. And also, not because due to the fact that the English teacher is a gorgeous looking lady (but yeah...with some bumps here and there to hide, I admit the weekly weight-putting anyway...haha).

But because, these kids nowadays can openly share their newly-found love with their teachers. And these teachers, I believe, are rather supportive of them. Unlike during my school days, whoever was in a relationship should go undercover. No coupling was allowed.

No meeting. No dating. Oh, did you mention kissing? That was a big NO! 

The reason?

I think they were scared that this kind of relationship would be an agent of destruction rather than a catalyst of improvement. To us. To our education. To our morale and morality.

But I believe, now that I realize, the more we forbid the kids from doing something they love, the more will they try to put their effort in proving us wrong. They will find ways to glorify their love. 

When openly is forbidden, they will do it secretly. When they think they have no place to share their love stories, they will go so far away, being lost in their new world, just for the sake of wanting to tell the world about their feelings. 

"Are you okay with this coupling thing, teacher?" This one special boy asked me.

"Oh why not? When you have finally found a girl of your dream, love her. Give her your attention. Give her some gifts to show you care. But, respect the boundaries."

"The boundaries? What boundaries?"

"No meeting. No dating. Hah...stop imagining of kissing and touching her!"

"What?! Oh man!"

Till Deaths Do Us Part

I've been bugged down by this viral fever for 4 days now. Each day successfully passed by ignoring the pain, the temperature that shot high once in a while, especially at night. My dearest husband was caught by the annoying virus first, at his office, maybe through his boss, if my recollection is correct. He tried to fight the fever too, only surrendered when I suggested him for a check up at a clinic near our house. The night trip to the clinic as I remember, wasn't that long but the clinic was fully packed, with kids and adults.

"Everyone is sick, everyday. Every single day." I told my 5B students. This is my class, I am their form teacher. I've been handling them since last year. So I know them by heart now. I know their antics, I know their parents' antics too. I know their strengths, as much as I know their weaknesses, although they wish I do not know them too much, fearing that I would use any information about them against them. I was particularly pissed off that day when two boys kept disappearing from school and used health as their excuses. Frankly, one was saying he had migraine every alternate day and the other one had problems with his toe. One particular toe. Excuses. 

"You just need to find ways to stay healthy. When you are sick, cure the sickness so that you can be well again. Or if you refuse to be cured, ignore the pain and face the world as if you are well, the healthiest person on earth. Either way, think first before you skip your school."

I think I said that to the class. My class attendance was quite ugly for February with these kids ignoring excuse letters from parents and no MC whatsoever when they were absent. I told them that with a pinch of seriousness on my face, hopefully they would get the message. I hope they did.

As I type this, I have the option to go to the clinic and ask for a medical leave. I am unwell. But, thinking of the kids at school, the long awaiting list of undone work, and of course, thinking of the people I promise of working together tomorrow, I shall set aside the pain. The pain can be ignored again at the moment.

My bluebird of happiness is sick too. She is going to skip school. The difference between this bird and those two boys is vast. First, she is 6. The boys are 17. My bird still has a long way to go. The boys are going to finish their schooling soon. And this bird does not know how to lie yet. She is ill, we went to a specialist and the specialist asked her to rest. The boys? I am yet to see their approval of absenteeism.

Please boys,

My dearest boys.

I love you like my own brothers.

I know your potential, but the potential is denied by the masters who are simply lazy.

Come to school.

Everyday.

When you are well.

Coz when I am slightly unwell, I will still come to school.

Hoping that only deaths do us part.